Changing old survival strategies is an important part of healing for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs). To be your own loving parent means treating yourself the way any loving parent would treat any child. In essence, ACOAs have to learn how to be the loving parent for themselves that they never had. The good news is ACOAs can learn to be more flexible and take a life-giving stance toward themselves.
A loving parent helps their child learn how to gauge their own energy level and capacity. Loving parents help their children know when they need a break, when it's time to rest. ACOAs often struggle with rest, play and/or having fun. And yet, rest and play are key components to shifting out of those old survival strategies.
In this article, we will cover some reasons why ACOAs struggle with rest. We will then talk about how ACOAs can begin to allow themselves to access this skill.
Reasons why Adult Children of Alcoholics struggle with rest
Growing up in a home with addiction impacts your ability to feel at ease. It is more difficult for an ACOA to access a basic felt sense of safety and rest. Here are some of the top reasons why it can be challenging for ACOAs to rest.
Hypervigilance and anxiety
Growing up in an unpredictable environment, ACOAs often adapt by becoming hyperaware. This helps them cope with instability. ACOAs get used to being on high alert. This response helps them to prepare for potential problems or crises. The "alarm" in their brain gets stuck in the "on" position. Living in this overactive state of anxiety can make it difficult to relax and let their guard down. This feels true for them even in situations where there is no immediate threat.
Over-responsibility and perfectionism
Adult children of alcoholics often take on too much responsibility at a young age. ACOAs often have to do this out of necessity when their parent(s) are unable to fulfill parental roles. They also can take on more responsibility as a way to create order in a chaotic environment. ACOAs often take on the parent's job of caring for their siblings or managing household tasks. Alcoholic parents often struggle to meet their children's needs. As a result, ACOAs may have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. ACOAs can struggle with needing to be perfect, productive and in control. This mindset can make it challenging for them to rest and let go of their perceived obligations.
False guilt and shame
ACOAs often carry deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame. As children, they learned that there was no room for their needs. Only the adults' feelings and needs mattered. They may take on the guilt and shame of the parent and blame themselves for their parent's addiction. Or, ACOAs can feel responsible for the family's dysfunction. They might have distorted beliefs about their worth. Such as, if they were good enough, smart enough, or perfect enough, their parents would feel better. These feelings can cause ACOAs to struggle with being their own advocate. They over-identify with the perspective of the parent, instead of having their own. Later on as adults, ACOAs may believe that they don't deserve rest or pleasure. This belief can lead to pressure to keep pushing themselves even when they need a break.
Difficulty with self-care
Growing up in an alcoholic household, the focus is often on the needs of the parent with the addiction. Adult children of alcoholics may not have learned healthy self-care habits. ACOAs often don't know how to focus on their own well-being. The adults in their lives likely didn't tend to them enough or model good self-care themselves. ACOAs get so used to noticing what is happening with other people, that they learn to ignore their own needs. Resting and taking time for themselves may feel selfish or indulgent to an ACOA. So activities that promote relaxation and restoration can feel challenging.
Fear of losing control
Resting requires surrendering control and allowing oneself to be vulnerable. For adult children of alcoholics who grew up in unpredictable environments, letting go of control can be terrifying. They may have developed a strong need for control as a survival mechanism. Relinquishing that control can trigger anxiety and discomfort.
How Adult Children of Alcoholics can learn to rest
Like any other part of recovery, learning to rest can be a gradual process. With gentleness, self-compassion and support, ACOAs can develop healthier habits. ACOAs can learn to focus on their own well-being.
Here are some ways that ACOAs can access their inner loving parent. Doing this can help them experiment with learning to rest.
Seek therapy or other support
Finding a therapist, support group or ACA 12-step meeting can be very helpful. In these settings, ACOAs can explore their experiences with other people who get it. This can help ACOAs gain insight into their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Getting support can help ACOAs learn healthier approaches for relaxation and self-care.
Practice self-compassion
Adult children of alcoholics often carry a heavy burden of self-blame and shame. Learning to cultivate self-compassion is essential. Self-compassion helps ACOAs treat themselves with kindness. It helps them understand that they deserve rest and self-care like everyone else. Self-compassion means letting go of unnecessary self-judgment. Try noticing your inner dialogue with yourself. Ask yourself if you would say that to someone you care about. If you're having trouble with self-compassion, use that as an opportunity to practice. No need to heap more shame on yourself. Try telling yourself it's understandable you are struggling to be compassionate with yourself. After all, you haven't had much experience with that yet.
Learn to set boundaries
Boundaries are our self-respect and values in action. Learning to establish healthy boundaries is crucial for everyone. Boundaries can be difficult at first for ACOAs. When we are learning to set boundaries, it is best to start small. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Start by noticing your limitations. Then take a small action in alignment with that. Practice saying "no" to something, even if you feel guilty for a little while at first. With practice, the good feeling of prioritizing your need for rest will outweigh the guilt.
Learn somatic healing techniques
Explore "bottom up" healing and therapeutic approaches. Deep breathing exercises, meditation, or mindfulness can help calm the mind and body. These practices can reduce anxiety and promote a sense of relaxation in the moment. Over time, they also help your nervous system turn down the "alarm" and learn that today it is OK to settle into safety.
Practice having fun
ACOAs often have to work at learning to play! Allow yourself to experiment with pleasurable activities to find out what you like. Or think about what you loved doing as a kid. Did you like sports? Music? Playing outside? Reading? Games? Let yourself reconnect with these activities or try new ones that sound fun to you. If you can't think of anything, try being a little more playful in your day to day routine. Go to your favorite superstore and buy some stickers that make you smile. Roam around the toy store. Whatever you choose, remember it's about having fun.
Resolve limiting beliefs
ACOAs often internalize distorted ideas from other people that rest is selfish and lazy. It's important to recognize these beliefs for what they are. They helped you survive a harsh family environment in the past. But now, in your adult life, these ideas are limiting. EMDR therapy, or another approach if you choose, can help you realize that rest is not selfish or lazy. Rest is an essential part of self-care and well-being. When you shift your perspective, it's easier to embrace rest.
Practice mindful awareness
Adult children of alcoholics can use mindfulness skills to help them be more aware of their needs and emotions. Mindfulness does not mean always feeling calm. Mindfulness means being present with whatever feeling is there. By practicing present-moment awareness, ACOAs can recognize signs of fatigue, stress, or overwhelm. They can then take proactive steps to rest and rejuvenate before reaching a point of burnout.
Go slow
Resting can feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar for adult children of alcoholics. Starting with small, manageable steps can make it more achievable. Let yourself be curious. Try things and experiment. Going slow gives you a chance to find out what feels good to you. Be patient with yourself and celebrate even the smallest victories along the way.
There are many reasons why adult children of alcoholics have a hard time with rest and self-care. Those old strategies were useful in the past. But, later in life they become limiting and interfere with your ability to thrive in adult life. Many ACOAs did not have a loving parent during childhood. Being your own loving parent now means treating yourself with the kindness and respect that everyone - including you - deserves. As your own loving parent, you can know that your needs are important.
Online EMDR therapy in Virginia and Massachusetts for ACOAs struggling to rest
Everyone needs rest. With the help of your inner loving parent - and a good therapist - you can start your ACOA recovery journey today. If you are interested in working with an online EMDR therapist in Virginia or Massachusetts, reach out today to get started.
About the Author - Christie Pearl, LMHC, LPC
Christie Pearl is an EMDRIA Certified Therapist and Approved Consultant with an online private practice in Virginia and Massachusetts. She specializes in working with Adult Children of Alcoholics who are struggling with burnout and work stress, as well as adults with fear of public speaking and performance anxiety. Christie enjoys spending time with her own inner loving parent, and she loves helping other people learn how to that too. She finds deep fulfillment in watching her clients succeed.
Additional ways online EMDR therapy can help in Virginia and Massachusetts
Online EMDR therapy is available so that you can stop surviving and start thriving. Christie Pearl specializes in working with Adult Children of Alcoholics who are struggling with work stress and burnout. Christie offers online EMDR intensives, as well as ongoing EMDR therapy. She can also help adults with fear of public speaking and performance anxiety.
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